


As Lily Wanted

by protectoroffaeries



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Lily & Remus are close friends idc if that’s just a fanon thing, M/M, Marauders' Era, also I made up my own rules for certain things, despite the fact that the summary’s from lily’s perspective, it’s Remus’ POV, they’re my BROTP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 08:25:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12229188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectoroffaeries/pseuds/protectoroffaeries
Summary: 1981. The war is in full swing. Tensions are high. There’s a traitor among them, and Lily knows she might not make it out of this alive. She has to do something.For Harry.





	As Lily Wanted

The Potters’ cottage is a quaint, unassuming home, tucked away in cozy midst of Godric’s Hollow. It’s made of lightly-colored wood, accented with warming reds and golds around the outside. The welcome mat and the door signs, which are new additions, have cute says on them ( _Welcome to Our Home_ and _Love Lives Here_ ), and since they don’t seem to be charmed to attack him, he assumes Lily bought them from a Muggle store and put them up. She never seemed like much of a home décor person. It’s sweet, but Remus can’t help wondering if she’s using them as a shield against the reality of war, of the toll it’s taking on all of them. Love may live here, but it certainly doesn’t seem to live anywhere else. Sometimes Remus wonders if it still lives in his flat.

He shakes his head. That isn’t why he here; not to criticize how Lily copes, or to think about his own troubles. He’s here to have tea with an old friend, to see her adorable baby, and to forget about everything for moment before he has to leave tomorrow.

It’s unusually cold out for late August, cold enough in fact that Remus can see smoke floating lazily out of the Potters’ chimney. He has a sweater on himself, and his hands are bright red. It’s been a long time since he’s felt the temperature drop so low earlier than October. Maybe his first year at Hogwarts? That would’ve been almost ten years ago.

Remus knocks on the Potters’ front door, and Lily yanks open the door and drags him into a hug. When she lets him go, she ushers him into the cottage, shutting the cold out behind him.

“I made tea,” Lily says, and she walks into the kitchen, which is just as cosy and quaint as the exterior of the cottage, with the pots and pans hanging artfully on the wall, and the wooden cabinets inviting in a relaxing nature feel. Lily hands him a mug that’s a bit chipped on one edge; Hope Lupin would say that gives it character.

“Where’s James?” Remus asks as he sits at the island. Wooden barstools and a wooden island. Themes are important.

Lily takes a sip of her own tea before she answers. She elects to stand, leaning on the edge of the island across from Remus. “He and Sirius are out.” The purposeful look she gives him tells him it’s an Order mission.

Remus frowns. Sirius hadn’t mentioned doing anything for the Order, and they’d crossed paths just this morning. There is a dark sort of tension forming between the two of them, and it’s growing day by day. Remus hates it. He misses the Sirius that used to curl up next to him in bed and tease the book out of his hands until he got the attention he was looking for. He also doesn’t know where it’s coming from, if it’s the war itself, or the fact that they have to keep secrets from each other now. Or maybe they don’t love each like they used to, but Remus refuses to listen to the evil little voice in his head that whispers that. Sirius is the love of his life. Even with the recent trials they’ve faced, Remus can still feel that love burning away in his chest, as fiery as it was when they were sixteen, and they were clumsily bumping noses, trying to navigate their first kiss.

Lily sees him frown. “He didn’t tell you,” she says, and it doesn’t sound like a question. She doesn’t sound surprised.

“No, he didn’t,” Remus tells her anyway. He hopes she’ll take the hint and enlighten him on what’s going on, specifically, because his heart’s aching, and he can’t bear the thought of living on if that fire burns out.

It sounds cliché, but what fucking love story isn’t?

“He doesn’t trust you,” Lily says quietly. She takes one hand off her mug, slides it across the island until it’s on top of Remus’. She squeezes his hand, perhaps to signal that she trusts him still. Remus feels something inside him break, something that’s been teetering since the tension between him and Sirius was born. It’s not his heart, though, because Lily didn’t say Sirius doesn’t love him. Only that he doesn’t trust him.

“Why?”

“He thinks you’re a traitor,” Lily says, and ow, that actually hurts. His mind drifts to the last time they had sex; it was incredibly lackluster. Not much eye contact, which Remus should’ve realized was odd, coming from a man who’d often mentioned that Remus’ eyes were beautiful, once upon a time.

“A traitor?”

Lily sighs and swipes some of her long, auburn hair over her shoulder, a nervous habit of hers. “He thinks you’re a Death Eater. That you’re going to tell You-Know-Who all the Order‘s secrets. That you’re,” her voice wavers, “going to tell him how to get at Harry once he hears that damn prophecy.”

Remus blinks, dumbstruck. After ten years, how could Sirius, his fucking _boyfriend,_ think so low of him? And yet, Remus knows Lily would never lie about this. “Werewolves can’t become Death Eaters,” he says, which retrospectively isn’t the best defense, but Lily just huffs humorlessly.

“There’s definitely a traitor,” Lily says, “but I know it isn’t you. I’ve tried to tell James, but Sirius has him convinced. They claim they’ve no Pureblood prejudices left, but they reckoned you’d be easiest to turn because you’re a Dark creature.” She scoffs, and then she pauses. “I didn’t mean-“

“It’s alright,” Remus tells her, although nothing is alright. From the guilty expression on Lily’s face, he thinks she realizes that. Sirius thinks he’s a traitor. Sirius called him a Dark creature?

“Sirius says you’ve been evasive and quote “shady” regarding your whereabouts recently,” continues Lily, sounding quite apologetic now. She needn’t be; obviously, she still trusts him, or she wouldn’t be telling him any of this.

“Order missions,” Remus supplies, and she, unlike Sirius, nods instead of pressing for details that aren’t safe for any of them to know.

“I assumed. Something to do with werewolves, I’d imagine, which explains why none of us go with you. I pointed this out to both of them, but this damn war-” she stops mid-sentence and then changes her mind, “They’re paranoid. It’s equally obvious that _someone_ is spewing Order secrets.”

“I’ve always been an easy target,” Remus murmurs, and the statement is and isn’t true.

“I think it’s Sirius,” says Lily.

“What?”

“Sirius. I think he’s the traitor,” Lily says, and her hand clenches so tightly around her mug that her knuckles take on an unhealthy pallor.

Remus laughs, wildly and without much actual mirth. That’s the most absurd accusation he’s ever heard, even now, even knowing what Sirius and James really think of him. Sirius may be the most shit boyfriend on the face of the Earth, but James is his best friend, his brother. He would never betray the Potters. He’d rather be tortured and brutally murdered.

Lily scowls at him. “Here me out, Remus. What if they threatened Regulus?”

Remus shakes his head. “James is more of a brother to Sirius than Regulus ever was.”

“It would explain why he’s casting the blame upon you instead. I know he’s spent years complaining about his family, but that’s not quite the same as taking up arms against them. Maybe he couldn’t do it anymore.”

Remus shakes his head more insistently. “No, h-he’s stronger than that.” _We’re his family,_ he wants to add, but the words don’t feel true anymore. Sirius doesn’t trust him. Sirius thinks he’s a traitor. Sirius says he’s a Dark creature.

“Is he? He wants me to blame you because of a disease, when he was born with the darkness-“

“Now who’s being prejudice?” snaps Remus, effectively cutting her off. He takes a big gulp of tea. It’s lukewarm.

“I don’t trust him any more than James trusts you,” Lily says after a few moments of tense silence. “But James insists that Sirius become our Secret Keeper.”

A chill runs down Remus’ spine. He knew James and Lily were considering the Fidelius Charm to hide the cottage, but it’s still a frightening reality to face. “He won’t listen to you?”

“He’s- Remus, you’ve got to understand that I love James, I really do, but he’s a fucking idiot sometimes. I’m going to suggest Peter the next time we discuss it, because who would think of Peter, and besides, I think he loves James about as much as I do. But, if he- if he won’t budge on Sirius, and I’m right…”

If Lily’s right, then she, James, and Harry end up dead at the hands of Voldemort. _Because of Sirius._ The thought makes him physically ill, and he has to dig his nails into the island to keep from tipping backwards off the barstool. He can’t believe it. _He won’t._

“I won’t let Harry die,” Lily says firmly, a fire burning in her eyes, blue flames, because a mother’s love burns hotter than any other. “Regardless of what happens to me and James, he _will_ survive this.”

Remus believes her.

“But, if we die,” she swallows, closes her eyes for a second, “he’ll need someone to look after him. That’s… that’s why I asked you over here today, Remus. Truly. I didn’t.. I wasn’t planning on breaking your heart.”

Ah, Lily. Always fairly perceptive and even more straightforward. “You didn’t.”

She doesn’t look like she believes him, but he isn’t lying. He feels hollow, like someone scooped out his heart, but it doesn’t feel broken. Sirius’ll have to do that himself.

“Of course I’ll look after Harry, Lily,” Remus says, getting back to her original request. He’s not exactly sure _how_ he would go about looking after Harry, though, between the monthly moons and the difficulty he has keeping a job. But he knows he’d make it work, if he had to.

“I can’t name you as his legal guardian, not without James agreeing, but I don’t think anyone would protest,” she tells him. “All the same, I don’t want you to roll over if anyone does protest. So, I- will you make an Unbreakable Vow? Promise to take care of Harry to the best of your ability, on your life?”

Remus stares at her. _Unbreakable Vow._ He’s never considered making one before. He doesn’t really consider it now, either, before saying, “Of course.”

Lily takes a deep breath. “Good. I’ll ring Peter; hopefully, he’ll agree to be our Bonder.”

~

Forty-five minutes later finds Remus in the Potters’ living room. Their sofas are old and well-worn, their coffee table is (predictably) a match for the wood in the kitchen, and the fire is roaring in its pit. There are pictures - magical and Muggle - lining the hearth and peppering the walls. He sees one of himself and Sirius curled around each other, leaning on Sirius’ motorbike, and he has to look away. The smiles of the past are blinding; he needs to keep his gaze fixed on the future, no matter how much he doesn’t want to.

Remus is sitting on one of the sofas like a normal person, but Peter is pacing near the door like a man possessed. He keeps mutter to himself about whether or not he should _do this;_ poor chap’s always had a hard time keeping secrets from James. Lily’s told him at least four times that she’s doing this with James’ best interest in mind, but since she ran upstairs to check on Harry a couple minutes ago, he’s been working himself into a frenzy. Remus would help, except he really doesn’t have the energy to deal with Peter’s problems today. His and Lily’s are already taking a toll.

“Peter,” Lily says, appearing in the hall outside the living room, her footsteps down the stairs muffled by carpet, “sit down and take a deep breath.”

Peter does as he’s bid, inhaling and exhaling with obnoxious volume. Lily gives him a gentle pat on the back.

“You still think you can do this?” Lily asks, and Peter hesitates for a few seconds before he nods.

Lily kneels down on the carpet and holds out her right hand. Remus crawls off the sofa and gets on his own knees right across from her. He takes her hand in his, and she squeezes it, maybe to reassure him or herself. She looks him in the eye, and the fire’s still there, smouldering. Remus wants to look away, but he doesn’t. This is Lily. His first friend. He would do anything for her.

Peter coughs into a closed fist, and then he lifts his wand and gently lays the tip atop their hands.

“Do you promise to take care of Harry to the best of your ability in the event that James and I die?” Lily says, and Peter startles at her bluntness, but not a single one of Lily’s words waver. She’s a woman on a mission.

“I do,” agrees Remus. A thin, wispy strand of flame shoots out of Peter’s wand, winding around Remus and Lily’s clasped hands. There is only one term to this Vow, and when neither he nor Lily says anything else, the flaming strand burns itself into their skin. There’s a prickle of heat, and then it’s seared there, on their hands and forearms, a permanent reminder of their Vow. If Sirius bothers to ask, Remus won’t bother to answer. He’s sure Lily will think of something to tell James.

“I-Is that it?” Peter asks nervously.

“Yes, Peter, thank you,” says Lily, and then Harry starts sobbing so loudly that they can hear him downstairs, and she runs off to tend to him.

~

Remus pretends to be asleep when he feels Sirius’ weight on the other side of the bed that night. He leaves earlier than he strictly has to. This mission going to be long and hard enough without adding a fight or another empty memory to the mix.

~

In early October, Lily sends him an owl; he recognizes the great beast, a snowy owl she calls Icicle. He’s not sure how the bloody bird found him, given that he’s currently undercover, but he takes the note from it all the same. It flies off before he can even consider sending a response, which is probably for the best.

The parchment says one word: _Padfoot._ Remus knows immediately that Sirius is the Potters’ Secret Keeper. It feels like a warning, but Remus can’t buy into Lily’s theory. Sirius can be a right bastard sometimes - most of the time - but that’s entirely different. He won’t betray the Potters. _He won’t._

(It’s the last he hears from Lily. Ten years and one month of friendship and unconditional love, and her last word to him is _Padfoot._ The world truly does revolve around Sirius.)

~

A searing pain shoots up Remus’ arm, which is odd because he’s in between moons. His last transformation, while far from his best, wasn’t so terrible as to explain his current pain. He leans against one of the stone walls of the dingy alley he’s lurking in and begins rolling back his sleeve. He’s supposed to meet with a couple of other werewolves tonight to discuss allegiances; they never do pick very good meeting places.

 _“Lumos,”_ he murmurs, hovering his wand over his arm. To his horror, he sees the faded-grey lines of his Vow to Lily coming apart at the seams. The skin of his arm is splitting and dark crimson blood is weeping onto his clothes.

He knows that breaking an Unbreakable Vow ends in death. He wasn’t aware there were other side effects… unless this is a warning. He must be about to break his Vow somehow…?

 _Oh, God._ If that’s true, then James and Lily-

Remus forgets his mission entirely and Apparates to Godric’s Hollow, on the street outside of where the Potters’ cottage should be. He prays that he won’t be able to see their home. The Fidelius Charm should protect them, it has to be protecting them, and Remus doesn’t know the secret, so he can’t-

His prayers go unanswered.

The Potters’ safe, wonderful cottage is half-destroyed. The roof has a giant, smouldering hole in one side. Remus sees figures on side of the roof that’s still intact, but he can’t make them out. What if they’re Death Eaters?

Remus swallows the agony bubbling up in his throat. The word _Padfoot,_ written in Lily’s hasty script, flashes in his mind. He feels the silent tears roll down his face.  
  
He takes a clumsy step toward the cottage and trips over the broken remnants of Lily’s _Love Lives Here_ sign. He rubs his eyes with his sleeve to clear away the blurriness brought on by his tears, but it doesn’t do much. He murmurs _Lumos_ again, but keeps his wand light low.

He finds James.

The door to the cottage is gone, shattered into thousands of wooden shards, and James is lying face down on the threshold. Remus kneels down beside him, grabs him by the arm, and rolls him over. His glasses are smashed, wayward shards digging into his face. His hair is more awry than usual, but his clothes look to be in relatively good shape - he wasn’t tortured. His eyes are open, but empty. Remus remembers those eyes full of mirth and mischief, he remembers them full of concern and caring, he remembers them full of life and love. But now they’re empty. _Empty._ James is gone.

Remus wants to scream, but there’s no air in his lungs. He doesn’t know how long he kneels at James’ side before he can bring himself to stand.

He passes the kitchen. All the pots and pans have melted into the walls, and every wooden surface looks burnt to near collapse. Nothing’s on fire. Remus can’t think of a spell that would cause this kind of damage. Fiendfyre would’ve brought the whole cottage down.

Remus tries not think about how he’ll never have tea with Lily in there again. Even if she’s alive - he hopes she’s alive - there’s no way she could stay here. Not… not without James…

Remus climbs the stairs slowly, fearful of what he’ll find at the top. His arm’s still splitting apart, but he can hardly feel it now. The pain on the inside is drowning him.

Harry’s room is the first door on the left. Whether she’s alive or… not, Remus knows he’ll find Lily here. He pushes open the door.

The first thing his eyes land on is Harry. The poor boy is bawling, tiny fists wrapped around the bars of his crib like he’s been locked in prison. There’s a bloody scrape on his forehead, but otherwise he looks unharmed. _Thank God._

He looks around the room; the roof above them is torn off or burned off, somehow, but none of the figures he saw earlier seem to be in here - and then he sees her, crumpled on the floor, half under Harry’s crib. _Lily._

Remus runs toward her and pulls her out from underneath the crib. Her eyes are just blank and empty as James’, her hair doesn’t shine, she’s already growing cold to the touch. Remus remembers every last thing about her, her life as he knew it flashing before his eyes. _First year, her helping Remus with Potions after he exploded his cauldron during the first lesson. The two of them dancing on the tables of abandoned classrooms in the middle of Prefect duties; the two of them studying silently together in the library, just keeping one another company. That time she hexed James cross-eyed, and Madam Pomfrey couldn’t figure out how to reverse it for three days. How she used to stop James and Severus Snape from fighting in the halls with just a glare. When she cried on his shoulder after Snape called her a Mudblood. The sheepish look on her face when she admitted to fancying James. When she took him aside and told him that she knew, and that it didn’t matter, and she was talking about him and Sirius, but Remus thought she was talking about his lycanthropy and outed himself on that front, too. How they stumbled drunkenly across the beach two nights after graduation, her and the Marauders and Peter’s then-girlfriend. The way she looked on her wedding night, radiant, dressed in all white. Her face when she told everyone that she was pregnant with Harry, the light in her eyes and the rose in her cheeks. Her in the hospital bed, holding Harry, looking tired but accomplished. Her in late August, murmuring the words of an Unbreakable Vow with a mother’s love in her eyes._

The Marauders did everything for Remus. They became his friends, they became illegal Animagi, they became his family. But there’s never been anyone quite like Lily, and when the Marauders were being prats, that was okay, because they had each other. His first friend. His best friend.

The sound of a voice above him startles Remus out of his memories. Remus looks up, and he sees the figures clearly now; one of them is Hagrid, how’d he miss Hagrid, how is Hagrid not falling through the flimsy remnants of the roof? Hagrid is arguing with someone. _Oh, God._ Hagrid’s arguing with _Sirius._

“Dumbledore-”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about Dumbledore, don’t you understand? I’m Harry’s godfather, and I’ll be taking him-”

No. _No no no no no._ A new wave of pain bursts in Remus’ arm. He gently lets go of Lily, careful not to drip any of his blood on her. Somehow, he finds the strength to get up. He reaches into Harry’s crib and scoops the boy into his arms.

“Black, yer hardly one t’ decide who- hey!”

 _“Remus?”_ That’s Sirius. _Sirius._ Padfoot. He betrayed them. He killed James and Lily. Remus panics, heart heaving with sorrow, and Apparates.

~

The Shrieking Shack is a terrible hiding place, and a terrible place to keep a baby, but it’s the first place that pops into his mind. He sits on the tattered old bed, somewhat surprised that it can still hold a person’s weight. He Transfigures the ratty pillow into a soft, fluffy blanket and then Scorgifies it before wrapping it around Harry, whose sobs have tapered into helpless whimpers.

Remus remembers one of the lullabies his mother used to sing to him and hums it to Harry, who blinks up at him with watery eyes. _Lily’s eyes._

“Remus!” shouts none other than Sirius Black from downstairs, which sets Harry off again.

 _Terrible hiding place._ He tries to Apparate again, to no avail. _Idiot._ He frantically looks around the room, and then he hides Harry in tiny closet locker in the corner. He casts a Silencing Charm on it so that Sirius won’t be able to hear his cries. Then Remus points his wand at the doorway. Can he take Sirius in a duel?

 _“Stupefy,_ ” Remus says as soon as Sirius appears in the doorway, but Sirius flicks the charm away.

“Remus, look, I just want to talk-”

 _“Expelliarmus,”_ and that charm is successful. Sirius’ wand flies into Remus’ free hand.

“Right,” says Sirius, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. Remus doesn’t take his wand off of him, but he also doesn’t hex him into next week. He wants to, for James and Lily. But his heart is screaming at him to hear Sirius out. _Goddammit._

“What could you _possibly_ have to say?” Remus spits, voice cold. “Lily told me you were the Secret Keeper.”

Sirius blinks. “You think _I_ did that? You think I’d ever- Remus, what the _fuck? Peter_ was the Secret Keeper, on Lily’s insistence-” Peter? Kind, sweet Peter, who followed James like a puppy for ten years? Remus doesn’t believe it. But he doesn’t want to believe Sirius did this. Not the man he loves. Loved. _Fuck._ “-and when I get my hands on the goddamn _rat,_ I’m going to tear him limb from limb, but right now, my priority is you and Harry.”

Laughter bubbles in Remus’ throat, and he can’t help that it escapes. It’s disbelieving, scornful. “I’m a priority now, am I? She told me about how you didn’t trust me. Because I’m a _Dark creature.”_

Sirius’ face falls. Remus wants to believe that’s real guilt, real regret in his eyes, but his wand doesn’t waver. He can’t trust Sirius, no matter how much he wants to. “I was wrong. I’m so sorry, Moony.”

 _“Don’t._ Don’t ever call me that again.” This is what heartbreak is. It’s standing in front of the man you fell in love with as a teenager and recognizing the whole of him, not just the parts that made you laugh, that made your insides warm. It’s seeing who the real wolf in sheep’s clothing has been all along. It’s knowing that nothing will ever be the same between the two of you. The world revolves around Sirius Black, but he went and shattered Remus’ entire world. It looks empty with only Sirius there. Empty like James and Lily’s eyes.

“If you care about me or Harry, you’ll leave. Go to Hell or Azkaban, see if I care, and leave us be.”

“Remus, you can’t raise him by yourself,” says Sirius, “please, let me help.”

“I made a Vow,” Remus tells him, throat tight. “I promised Lily I would take care of him, and letting the man who helped murder his parents come anywhere near him does not fall under care.” It’s difficult to say; it’s harder to watch Sirius flinch.

“For fuck’s sake, Remus. It wasn’t me. _Please.”_

“You have thirty seconds to get out before I curse you,” Remus says. He’s done. He can’t do this anymore.

_“Remus.”_

“Twenty.”

“I love you.”

Remus swallows around the lump in his throat. He won’t cry in front of Sirius. Never again. “Ten,” he croaks.

Sirius turns and leaves. Remus listens as he walks towards the tunnel, as he goes through it. Remus retrieves Harry from the closet, and with his wand leading the way, he makes his way out of the shack. Once he and Harry are outside on the Hogsmeade side of the property, Remus Apparates to an anonymous alleyway in London. They’ll stay in a Muggle hotel tonight, safe and sound amongst the vast amount of people in the city. He barely notices the witches and wizards near breaking the Statute of Secrecy, cheering in the street. What do they have to cheer for? James and Lily are dead.

It’s not until the next morning that Remus realizes that Harry is _alive,_ just like Lily said he would be.

~

 


End file.
